Wait in Silence

I have noticed a particular phenomenon recently. Whenever anyone has an issue or a problem in life, that person runs to many other people to get their advice and opinion on the situation. I am very guilty of this myself. This came to a point of explosion the other day when I couldn't even figure out what I thought about a situation because there were twenty-six thousand other voices in my head. Ok, so twenty-six thousand is a slight exaggeration. But the point is that I didn't know what I thought anymore, let alone what God was telling me. I was incredibly frustrated and exhausted. I wanted to run away from life, but that never solves anything. This morning I opened up my Bible to Psalms. I was going to meditate on Psalm 63, which I had studied on Friday at an extended worship service. Guess what? Psalm 62 is right before Psalm 63. Haha. . .go figure ;) Anyway, it really caught my attention.

Psalm 62:1, 5-8
"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all time, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us."

I realized that I wasn't waiting for God in silence. I wasn't really waiting for Him at all. Instead of turning to Him, trusting Him, and pouring my heart out to Him, I had gone and sought the counsel of my friends. How foolish. I laid aside the cares and concerns of this world and quieted my heart. And listened. Such amazing peace and love from my God - my best friend and faithful Provider - overwhelmed me. I poured out my heart to Him. He listened. And reminded me that He is God. He will protect and provide for me. Hold me close and comfort me. He waits with His arms wide open to embrace me if I will only run to Him. Why do I run to the world? Why do we all run to the world? Really, why???

So let go; Jump in.

I'm sitting on the floor of my apartment. A Jones Cream Soda is next to me. Loud music is playing from my computer. Books and journals are strewn all over the floor, which I am sure will thrill my roommates when they all return. I've been here a while.

Just sitting.

Thinking.

I realize that I have been silent for a while now. Why? Well, to be honest, the answer is simple. I haven't been pursuing my passions. That also begs the question, why? I have been somewhat drifting through life recently, not really passionate about anything. All because I was attempting to control my life again. In trying to control my life, I lost sight of pursuing God and putting Him above all else. Of seeking Him hardcore and using my gifts and passions for Him. I have been idolizing both myself and my friends. I was entirely focused on me and what was going on in my life and how I could control it. I idolized my friends by seeking their opinions and comfort before turning to God. I was still praying and journaling, but my focus wasn't primarily on God. I realized this at 7:30 on Saturday morning. I was in Chicago with a group of friends. During the past week, I had been beginning to realize that I wasn't turning to God. My journal entries were short and dry. I had gone several days without worshipping. By Saturday I was a confused, stressed out mess. So I decided to get up quite early and spend time with God before everyone else got up. I decided to be real with Him. To apologize and repent for idolizing myself and my friends. It was amazing. His grace washed over me like the rain that was falling outside. It was a very painful realization - how could I put anyone before God? - but also very freeing. I was once again free to be who God created me to be because He was in control. I was free to enjoy to life. Free to not be perfect. Free to feel. Free to surrender my life to God. Free to pursue Him wholeheartedly and with abandon. And also free to experience His grace. His blessings. His peace. Free because I am trusting Him completely with my life. I will admit that it is still a struggle. I fight the urge to control. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I think that by controlling my life, I can limit how much I am hurt. I can't. I honestly can't control my own life, let alone the lives of others. God graciously brought me to a place where I had two choices - be miserable while continuing to attempt to control my life, or let go, jump in, and trust Him. As one of my favorite songs says, "So, let go, so let go; Jump in; Oh well, what you waiting for? It's alright; 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown. So, let go, yeah let go; Just get in; Oh, it's so amazing here. It's all right; 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown." (Frou Frou, Let Go).

That is my challenge to you. Let go; jump in. Trust. Completely surrender to God. There is beauty in the breakdown. And oh such liberating freedom.

Instead of a Show

So I decided to spare you the eloquence of my thoughts today. I downloaded "Summer Ep" by Jon Foreman today. One of the songs really stuck out to me - it more or less sums up what I have been pondering lately, so I thought I would share it with you. Maybe it will touch you the way it has spoken to me.

"Instead of a Show" - Jon Foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
the hypocrisy of your praise
the hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when your singing ‘em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a floodof justice
An endless procession of righteousliving, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

your eyes are closed when you’re praying
you sing right along with the band
you shine up your shoes for services
but there’s blood on your hands

you turned your back on the homeless
and the ones that don’t fit in your plans
quit playing religion games
there’s blood on your hands

Ah! let’s argue this outif your sins are blood red
let’s argue this out
you’ll be white as the clouds
let’s argue this out
quit fooling around

give love to the ones who can’t love at all
give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
stand up for the ones who can’t stand up at all
instead of a show
I hate all your show.

P.S. If you are looking for something to read, I recommend UnChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons or The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.

Dare to Dream

I'm sitting in Grounds for Thought enjoying my third cup of coffee for the afternoon. I've been here for several hours - thinking, praying, journaling, and of course, reading. I am, after all, a true English major at heart. A cup of coffee and a good book or some time to journal, pray, and read the Word is my idea of an ideal afternoon.

I have thought a lot about my life in the past few days - who I am, where I am, what I am called to do. I realized that I have been limiting myself. I have limited nearly every aspect of my life. I have limited myself by deciding that I need to belong somewhere. I complained that don't belong with my family anymore. I don't have a permanent place of residence. For the past two years, the place I call home has changed every four months. So what? Why do I feel like I need to belong somewhere? I belong to God. He can place me wherever He wants. The fact that I am not tied down to any one place is freeing. I can go wherever He leads me. That was a sweet realization. Then I thought about the other ways that I have been limiting myself. I have limited my gifts, talents, interests, and desires. Music. I limited myself in two ways. One, by only being a classical pianist. I am very talented. Classical piano has been taken away from me. So why don't I explore other aspects of music, such as playing by ear? Or learning guitar? Two, I have limited myself by being prideful. I was so self-condeming because I couldn't play classically anymore. I condemned myself for the mistakes I made while I was a classical pianist. I condemned myself because I am not the best at playing by ear. It was humbling to realize how much pride I had about piano and music. I am now attempting to enjoy the gift that God has given me and explore new avenues of music. And not condemn myself. The focus isn't all about me, especially not in ministry. I have limited myself in other areas of ministry as well. I am not a super girly girl. Nor do I really enjoy hanging out with large groups of girls. So I thought that I would no longer lead women's ministry. Silly me. God challenged me to think of new ways to reach women. I am not the only non girly girl out there. The idea that came to mind was a weekly prayer time for women. A time when women can come and share what is going on in their lives and pray for each other. I can lead that. I love organizing, praying, and being there for people. I would never have thought of this had I continued to limit myself. There are many, many ways that I have limited myself. These are just a few examples.

Realizing that I have limited myself then begged the question, why? Why do I limit myself? The answer is simple. I am not trusting God. I had decided that I knew the best way to live my life and use what He has blessed me with. Now, I dare to dream. Maybe I will pursue writing. Maybe another aspect of music. Maybe counseling and mentoring. Maybe, maybe. . . . I will not let the world and its expectations or my own expectations and plans limit me. I will passionately pursue my Father. He will lead me where He wants me to go. He will show me unique ways and opportunities to use my interests, talents, and desires. After all, He created me that way. I am not totally sure what this looks like for my life yet. All I know is that I am letting go and trusting God.

So here is my challenge to you. Dare to dream.

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. . .

My life is uncertain. Nearly every aspect of my life lacks definition. My plans are all tentative - every single last one of them. That is how it should be. At least, that is what God told me. Throughout the past year or so, every plan I had for my life has changed or been turned upside down. It's been a roller coaster. More than once, the words to an old hymn came to mind.

"My Hope is Built on Nothing Less"by Edward Mote, 1797-1874

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus' blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, His covenant, and blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When every earthly prop gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found,
Clothed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne!
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

I have a solid foundation on which I can face anything - whatever life brings. I am not afraid of the uncertainty anymore. My life belongs to God, and He has the most spectacular plan for me. I don't need a plan. My best friend and beloved Father is the Sovereign Creator and Sustainer of the world. My Daddy will always be by my side, carrying me through life. He will provide all that I need and more and protect me, even when I don't understand. I couldn't ask for anything more.