Wait in Silence

I have noticed a particular phenomenon recently. Whenever anyone has an issue or a problem in life, that person runs to many other people to get their advice and opinion on the situation. I am very guilty of this myself. This came to a point of explosion the other day when I couldn't even figure out what I thought about a situation because there were twenty-six thousand other voices in my head. Ok, so twenty-six thousand is a slight exaggeration. But the point is that I didn't know what I thought anymore, let alone what God was telling me. I was incredibly frustrated and exhausted. I wanted to run away from life, but that never solves anything. This morning I opened up my Bible to Psalms. I was going to meditate on Psalm 63, which I had studied on Friday at an extended worship service. Guess what? Psalm 62 is right before Psalm 63. Haha. . .go figure ;) Anyway, it really caught my attention.

Psalm 62:1, 5-8
"For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from Him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
"For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all time, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us."

I realized that I wasn't waiting for God in silence. I wasn't really waiting for Him at all. Instead of turning to Him, trusting Him, and pouring my heart out to Him, I had gone and sought the counsel of my friends. How foolish. I laid aside the cares and concerns of this world and quieted my heart. And listened. Such amazing peace and love from my God - my best friend and faithful Provider - overwhelmed me. I poured out my heart to Him. He listened. And reminded me that He is God. He will protect and provide for me. Hold me close and comfort me. He waits with His arms wide open to embrace me if I will only run to Him. Why do I run to the world? Why do we all run to the world? Really, why???

So let go; Jump in.

I'm sitting on the floor of my apartment. A Jones Cream Soda is next to me. Loud music is playing from my computer. Books and journals are strewn all over the floor, which I am sure will thrill my roommates when they all return. I've been here a while.

Just sitting.

Thinking.

I realize that I have been silent for a while now. Why? Well, to be honest, the answer is simple. I haven't been pursuing my passions. That also begs the question, why? I have been somewhat drifting through life recently, not really passionate about anything. All because I was attempting to control my life again. In trying to control my life, I lost sight of pursuing God and putting Him above all else. Of seeking Him hardcore and using my gifts and passions for Him. I have been idolizing both myself and my friends. I was entirely focused on me and what was going on in my life and how I could control it. I idolized my friends by seeking their opinions and comfort before turning to God. I was still praying and journaling, but my focus wasn't primarily on God. I realized this at 7:30 on Saturday morning. I was in Chicago with a group of friends. During the past week, I had been beginning to realize that I wasn't turning to God. My journal entries were short and dry. I had gone several days without worshipping. By Saturday I was a confused, stressed out mess. So I decided to get up quite early and spend time with God before everyone else got up. I decided to be real with Him. To apologize and repent for idolizing myself and my friends. It was amazing. His grace washed over me like the rain that was falling outside. It was a very painful realization - how could I put anyone before God? - but also very freeing. I was once again free to be who God created me to be because He was in control. I was free to enjoy to life. Free to not be perfect. Free to feel. Free to surrender my life to God. Free to pursue Him wholeheartedly and with abandon. And also free to experience His grace. His blessings. His peace. Free because I am trusting Him completely with my life. I will admit that it is still a struggle. I fight the urge to control. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I think that by controlling my life, I can limit how much I am hurt. I can't. I honestly can't control my own life, let alone the lives of others. God graciously brought me to a place where I had two choices - be miserable while continuing to attempt to control my life, or let go, jump in, and trust Him. As one of my favorite songs says, "So, let go, so let go; Jump in; Oh well, what you waiting for? It's alright; 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown. So, let go, yeah let go; Just get in; Oh, it's so amazing here. It's all right; 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown." (Frou Frou, Let Go).

That is my challenge to you. Let go; jump in. Trust. Completely surrender to God. There is beauty in the breakdown. And oh such liberating freedom.