So let go; Jump in.

I'm sitting on the floor of my apartment. A Jones Cream Soda is next to me. Loud music is playing from my computer. Books and journals are strewn all over the floor, which I am sure will thrill my roommates when they all return. I've been here a while.

Just sitting.

Thinking.

I realize that I have been silent for a while now. Why? Well, to be honest, the answer is simple. I haven't been pursuing my passions. That also begs the question, why? I have been somewhat drifting through life recently, not really passionate about anything. All because I was attempting to control my life again. In trying to control my life, I lost sight of pursuing God and putting Him above all else. Of seeking Him hardcore and using my gifts and passions for Him. I have been idolizing both myself and my friends. I was entirely focused on me and what was going on in my life and how I could control it. I idolized my friends by seeking their opinions and comfort before turning to God. I was still praying and journaling, but my focus wasn't primarily on God. I realized this at 7:30 on Saturday morning. I was in Chicago with a group of friends. During the past week, I had been beginning to realize that I wasn't turning to God. My journal entries were short and dry. I had gone several days without worshipping. By Saturday I was a confused, stressed out mess. So I decided to get up quite early and spend time with God before everyone else got up. I decided to be real with Him. To apologize and repent for idolizing myself and my friends. It was amazing. His grace washed over me like the rain that was falling outside. It was a very painful realization - how could I put anyone before God? - but also very freeing. I was once again free to be who God created me to be because He was in control. I was free to enjoy to life. Free to not be perfect. Free to feel. Free to surrender my life to God. Free to pursue Him wholeheartedly and with abandon. And also free to experience His grace. His blessings. His peace. Free because I am trusting Him completely with my life. I will admit that it is still a struggle. I fight the urge to control. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I think that by controlling my life, I can limit how much I am hurt. I can't. I honestly can't control my own life, let alone the lives of others. God graciously brought me to a place where I had two choices - be miserable while continuing to attempt to control my life, or let go, jump in, and trust Him. As one of my favorite songs says, "So, let go, so let go; Jump in; Oh well, what you waiting for? It's alright; 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown. So, let go, yeah let go; Just get in; Oh, it's so amazing here. It's all right; 'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown." (Frou Frou, Let Go).

That is my challenge to you. Let go; jump in. Trust. Completely surrender to God. There is beauty in the breakdown. And oh such liberating freedom.